What do you mean by 'Discount' Virgin's Blood?
by Zantetsuken Reverse
Summary: Oneshot. Rated T for slightly disgusting scenario. Soma's inquiries on where this cult gets their supplies takes a turn for the gross...


I could have done the story with Dracula instead of Soma, except I wasn't sure if 'discount' blood would actually resurrect him. You'll see what I mean about 'discount'.

If you are disgusted with this, please do not flame. It may not be gross to me… but it might be to other people.

Soma's OOC-ness in this is because he's high.

What do you mean by 'Discount' Virgin's Blood?

Soma wondered how he got into these kinds of situations. Once again, he was strapped to an ancient stone altar (cliché #1) carved with various Satanic symbols (cliché #2), completely naked (cliché #3… well, for women), and awaiting rescue (cliché #4). Around him, cultists in black robes (cliché #5) were chanting ominous words that sounded like Latin but probably were about as good as his Russian (cliché #6). For what seemed like the fifth time, he was submerged in the blood of virgins (cliché #7).

There were two things that were noteworthy about this situation. One was that he was in the basement of an all girls boarding school. The other was that most, if not all, of the cultists were women.

"Do you really think this little ritual will work?" he said loudly, partially he was high, partially because annoying the cultists gave them a better chance for them to mess up, partially because any delays would allow his comrades more time to rescue him, and partially because it was really frustrating to be tied up and drugged and he didn't have to care about hurting the feelings of cultists. "I mean, I've seen lots of better productions. Seriously, those runes look like a kindergartener made them!"

"Be quiet!" snapped the nearest cultist, one Soma recognized as an English teacher from the briefing. "You may be our lord's vessel, but you are not our lord! We will not tolerate any disrespect!"

Soma blew her a raspberry. It was childish, but it was the only release he could get. His meal was drugged (cliché # 8) so that his powers were temporarily sealed, along with most of his strength. His organs and mouth worked fine, though. Still, he was pumped with more drugs than a racehorse, so his brain to mouth filter was practically nonexistent. "Seriously, how old is this blood? Doesn't it have to be like, fresh? It's… how many months old?" He jerked his head to the side so that his tongue could lap up a little bit. "No. You seriously mixed together fresh blood and old blood together and thought it would work? Amateurs!"

The cultist moved to slap Soma upside the head, but the high priestess (a physical education teacher) stopped her. "We are the enlightened disciples," she said. "We do not believe in unnecessary violence."

The cultist grumbled. "We would have gotten better quality blood if she wasn't so cheap," she muttered under her breath.

Soma heard her. "Hey! Miss High Priestess Woman! She just said you were cheap!"

The priestess gave the cultist an angry look, but it faded. "Try as you might, but our sisterhood's bond is-"

"How the hell do you get cheap blood, anyways?" shouted Soma. "I mean, kudos to you for getting virgin's blood. How many people did you kill for this bath, anyways?"

"Not a one," said the high priestess smugly. "Not a single person died for our noble cause. As I was saying, our sisterhood does not believe in unnecessary violence."

This made Soma temporarily speechless. "So you robbed blood blanks or blood banks? That's rather… what's the word, kosher? That's a little kosher for a cult trying to call back the Vampire King."

The disgruntled cultist shook her head. "We… didn't rob blood banks. We weren't equipped to do so, and it would have attracted attention from the authorities."

"Besides, the banks generally label the bags based on type rather than virginity status," added a math teacher. "And we couldn't organize a blood drive if we never actually provided the bank with any blood."

"So what, you bought it legitimately? That must have been really expensive."

The disgruntled cultist again shook her head.

"No, wait, you just said that Miss High Priestess here was a real cheapskate," said Soma. "But seriously, how the hell did you get so much…virgin's…blood…"

Soma's drug-addled mind made the connections. "You're a group of all-female cultists…" he murmured. "Who run a girl's boarding school… far away from any men… and you didn't get blood from killing people or from blood banks or drives?"

Soma licked the blood again. "OH GOD, YOU DIDN'T!"

"We did," said the priestess serenely. "It took years of gathering. I pioneered the metho-"

"FOR FUCK'S SAKE, GET ME OUT OF THIS!" screamed Soma. "I CAN TASTE THE URINE! DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT DRACULA WOULD BE PLEASED WITH BEING CALLED BACK WITH MENSTURAL BLOOD?!"

The disgruntled cultist shot the high priestess a glare. "I told you," she said. "I said that we should go around dressed like cowgirls, roaming the countryside and stealing blood bags from banks. But nooo, you said that it would be much more humanitarian to…"

"I have to admit, that really is much better than killing people," said another one of the cultists… or so it seemed. She pushed back her hood, revealing Yoko Belnades. She turned to the altar. "Come on, Soma. Let's get you out of there."

"Thanks, Yoko," he said. "I would kiss you, but I love Mina more than you."

"It's a spy!" shouted one of the cultists (a History teacher). "Quick, kill her!"

Yoko raised her hand, and fire appeared at her fingertips. The cultists scrambled backwards as one woman. "Before you do anything rash," she announced, "I believe there is something you should know."

She took a deep breath. "If your high priestess is telling the truth, and if our investigations are correct, none of you have actually done anything illegal."

There was silence.

"But they just drugged-"

"EXCEPT for drugging my coworker here," said Yoko. "But we're willing to let you off for that if you come quietly."

"What about my tax evasion?" called an economics teacher somewhere in the back.

"That's not our job, so we're not going to take you to court for that," Yoko answered. "But there has been no evidence of any of you murdering a single person. So if you give it up now, we have no power to prosecute you."

There was lots of murmuring and whispering among the cultists.

"However!" said Yoko. "If you complete the ritual, whether it actually works or not, every single one of you will be put under arrest. If the ritual succeeds, then we will hold you responsible for every single death that Dracula causes."

There was even more murmuring.

"Also, we have this building surrounded. If you attempt to resist, I cannot guarantee your lives."

"All right," said the high priestess, setting down her staff. "You win. I refuse to let my sisters suffer on my account."

Both Soma and Yoko blinked. "I… really?"

"Yes," said the high priestess. "I am a pacifist."

"Then why are you trying to bring back the one who drenched all of Europe into a bloodbath?" asked Soma. "Lady, you're crazy."

"It's a long story," said the high priestess.

"You can tell it to us at the station," said Yoko.

Contrary to the expectations of everyone who's ever seen a movie where the main villain surrenders just to stab the protagonists in the back, the high priestess did not do any such thing. The cultists weren't happy, but the majority of them decided that it was better to just return to their lives than to face oblivion at the hands of people with rocket launchers.

As Yoko cut Soma free from the pool of blood (Arikado refused to go near it, lest his instincts awaken and cause awkward questions; most of the Agency members were greenhorns still afraid of blood; and the rest were all men simply disgusted with that type of blood), Julius asked Arikado, "So… do you think that it would have been possible to bring old Drac back with that kind of blood?"

Arikado shrugged. "I have never attempted to do so. But blood is blood. It is technically virgin's blood, so presumably it would have worked."

Julius took a sip of tea brewed from Holy Water. "Good thing we caught it in time, then."

Arikado nodded. "Although… I do believe that Father would have been furious had he found out where it came from. I imagine that he would have devoured everyone present for the insult."

There was a cold breeze.

"At least no one died," said Julius.

"Yes," said Arikado. "That is good."

THE END

Does anyone think that menstrual blood would have worked?

Yeah, I do think that the Agency could have mobilized a bit faster if there was real danger of Soma becoming Dracula.


End file.
